A sweet but sad dream

A Dream, My very first love, 60 years ago.

I was holding a heavy bag of grocery walking along a quiet freeway. Not too many cars were driving by.  My bag of grocery seemed to get heavier and heavier. I stopped waking. Stood on the side of the freeway. Looking at the passing cars. How I wished if there was some kind driver could stop by and offer me a ride.

Suddenly, there was someone tapped on my left shoulder. I looked over my shoulder saw a familiar looking gentleman.

“Mura, let me hold your bag.” he said.

“Mura!?”

That must be Johnny!?  60 years ago, the only one person who always call me Mura. He said he like to call me Mura,” There may be hundreds of Myra I may meet in my life. But Mura is the only one I love”. 

I felt a little dizzy! Confused!

I tried my very best to control myself not to hug him on an impulse. But could not help to shout aloud: “Oh! My good heavens! Johnny! Is that you? Where have you been all these years ?”

He looked at me calmly with a smile. Did not say a word. That wasn't the Johnny that I knew 60 years ago. He usually the talker. I was the listener.

Quietly, he took the grocery bag away from my hands! What a relieve!

I looked at that gentleman again. It WAS Johnny! My very first boyfriend when I was around 22.  He looked just as handsome and friendly and calm as years ago.

He did not answer my question. W vanalking quietly. There were thousands of questions I wanted to ask him. But didn’t know where and how to begin with. Just couldn’t think of anything else to say at that very moment. I was overwhelmed by this unexpected reunion!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Before I knew it, we were standing by a kitchen counter! Johnny pull out a blue traveling bag from under the dining table and put it on the table. I noticed it looked the same as the one he gave me so long ago. A small blue traveling bag with a white global logo of Pam Am on the side. He unzipped it and said to me,” Look, Mura! Here are your groceries. And I put a little something in the bag for you on your way home.”

“On my way home?” I said to myself. He is going to take me home? Not even offer me something to drink?

” Yes! I’ll drive you home! Mura.” He said.

” Drive me home?” I got totally lost. He never drove……..

Johnny sat in the driver seat. It was a Van. Many other passengers were already in the van before I got in. It's so quiet in the van! I see the only seat that was not taken was at the very end. I walked through the seats trying to search a familiar face. But none! The aisle seemed awfully long. Finally, I sat down in that only empty seat.  It was so far away from Johnny. I was very disappointed and  feel miserable.

How I wished I could sit behind Johnny! So I can talk to him. There were thousands and millions of things I wanted to talk about. But there was only the blue bag that Johnny gave me by my side.  I peeked into the bag. I saw my groceries, couple of bottle water. A tin box of cookies, which was one of my favorite long ago. And the chocolate! The kind I used to crazy about! Oh! Johnny......!

I looked at Johnny’s back and wished to say thanks to him. But he was so far away and totally absorbed in driving. I could not raise up my voice to thank him while everybody else was so quiet! Tears running down my cheeks…………..

My pillow was wet in the morning!

This was the only dream I had ever had in 60 years after I stopped receiving Johnny’s letters.

We had dates! But totally differently from nowadays young people’s dating. We went to movies, we walked in the park, we talk quietly at the coffee bar. When there was no one around we hold our hands. we hugged. we kissed.

Kissing, hugging, were too much over the limit for boys and girls in the 60s in China.

For those beyond limitations, I felt sinful. I went to confession one day. Father Gregory, a Portuguese Jesuit priest was my spiritual consoler. I told him I have sinned because I hugged and kissed my boyfriend. After Father heard what I said, he asked me:”Then?”

“Then?……” I was surprised.

“Yes! Then what else did you do?” Father continued.

What else could we do? Would those be worse enough? I thought.

. “No!” I answered honestly.

Father said: “Those were OK! Those do not sin. But just be aware those could lead you into sin. don’t overdo it. You should know when to stop! Then you will be fine!”

That was why I always said to Johnny after we kissed: “OK! Johnny, that’s for today. Let’s save the others for next time.” Sometimes we bumped into each other on the street, Johnny always said: “Don’t forget the ones we saved for the next time!” Loud and sound. I felt that all the people on the street were looking at us! That was embarrassing!  It always made me blushed!

We went to movies. When it’s empty after the show. Johnny always walked behind me and hold out his arms on each side of my shoulders to protect me from the jam-packed crowds.

When we sat in the park, he always spread out his handkerchief on the bench for me to sit.

If there was a  sudden shower when we were outdoors, he always took off his outer garment cover my head and shoulders.

Sometimes he brought me some of my favorite snacks, such as some chocolate, cookies ......

He read my mind. Do things for me before I said.

One of the weekends, he did not come to see me. That night I received his express mail. He told me that day was his birthday. On his birthdays he usually not going anywhere except go to work. For us, Chinese always say: ” A child’s birthday was a mother’s suffering day.” At our birthdays we should give our mother some gift to thank her for bringing us into the world on her sufferings. If the mother died, we should close the door and think of her and make a self-examination. To see if we had done anything that disgraced our mother. I often hear people say that, but not too many people were doing the way as Johnny did. Even I myself. I was always brought my mother something she liked.

In short, I was totally fascinated. I wish someday we could get married. I’ll be a good wife and so proud and happy to be with him the rest of my life.  I was even imagining if we’ll have children, how would they look like!

Johnny went to another city for a better job. Working for Pan Am as an office employee. He wrote me one letter every day with express mail. tells me how is everything going. How much he missed me. Those days Express mail usually delivered in the evenings in our area. Every evening was the happiest time for me to read his letter. Occasionally mail delivered at day time, my younger sister would pick it up and run to me and shout “Love letter! Love letter!” loud enough to let everybody know in the whole house! 

We never said “love” to each other not even mention it in our emails. For Chinese, we do not say “I love you!”. But from the concerns and attentiveness we show to each other, tells how much we loved each other. Johnny’s letters showed all of them.

About two weeks or so Johnny left, suddenly, I stopped receiving mail from him. No matter what I wrote to him, it would like a rock swallowed by the ocean. There was no respond. Sometimes I thought the mailman didn’t drop the mail into the mailbox instead he through the mail over the fence. Actually, they did that sometimes! The mail could be scattered everywhere in the yard. Sometimes the mail may be landed into my Jasmine bush. Will not be seen days later. I pushed aside every branch of the jasmine,  to try my luck. But never was any! We had a dog “Lily”. She was quite naughty, she loved to tear paper. but there was no torn paper in the yard at all.  There was nothing I can do. It not hard for you to imagine my feelings!

I wished that Johnny could suddenly be popped into the year on the weekend or walking on the street. No!  Johnny was disappeared! Totally vanished!

 4 years later I married to Peter. My Sweetheart.

One day I was visiting my parents with our 2 years old son. I didn’t know how and where did he find a picture of me wearing a blue dress that I made myself. With a  necklace on my neck.

“Mom, mom, is this you?”

“Yes! That was me!” I stared at the picture. It was taken almost 7 years ago. I bought two necklaces at the gift shop in our church. A small shield-like plate with a cross in the middle. I give the blue cross one to Johnny. He put the red one on my neck.  That day we passed by a studio. Johnny thought it would not be a bad idea if we take a picture. That was my idea too. We took two sets of pictures:  one with us together one of Johnny and one of me. Each one of us got a set. But where were the others?

I asked my mother if I can see the other two.

“The other two?” My mother said. “I burned them along with all the letters he mailed to you before you married.” My mother said calmly.

“What?” I could not believe what I’ve heard.
“Yes!” My mother said quietly. ” And also  I wrote him told him don’t ever write you anymore. I could not allow my daughter to marry someone who has a brain tumor and become a young widow soon after she married.  All the letters he mailed later, no matter to you or to me, I burned them all. Because I know you so well. If you find out he would not live too long. you will propose to marry him right away.” …………………………………….

People say “if you dreamed of someone, it could happen that you had thought of that person the day before. I loved Johnny deeply but not thinking of him too often. Not the day before the dream.

Well, honestly,  I do think of Johnny sometime. After all, he was the very first love in my life!